Losing a father; not having a chance to see him alive and converse
with him for one last time is really far from the reality I could ever imagine.
Rewind on 07th September 2016, I thought I am about
to lose my father as he is fighting for his life. Hurriedly, I booked earliest
flight so I can arrive early. My luggage was half full & half empty, just picked
and packed few pieces of clothes and that’s it. I have arrived one hour late
than expected arrival at airport. But good thing, I have arrived on time in the
hospital. I still able to see Papa; he can still hear me; I was able to talk to
him, and hold him. He was a fighter, a really good fighter where he battled out
his life against death.
Spending nearly a month in the hospital was a terrible
experience. I remember that I have just placed my luggage inside the hospital
room, not able to freshen up myself and just want to see my father’s situation.
How is he and to check how my mother is too. Even we were in the hospital, Papa
still managed to crack jokes to us whether intentionally or unintentionally;
maybe he wanted us to feel that everything is ok and to take things lightly.
Truth is I came home because I thought my father would not
live longer but miracle came and we left the hospital with Papa alive and
kicking.
Fast forward on 7th of June 2019, my luggage was
full; too much full where I have to re-pack and take out some things “pasalubongs”
inside as I was over baggage. My mind is set for my father’s 80th
birthday where he would celebrate his natal day on his hometown. I was
expecting my mom to welcome me at the airport and my stronger father back home.
The plane arrives on time earlier than expected; 45 minutes
earlier; I passed the Immigration line and got my luggage earlier too which was
a bit unusual. My mother was not there at the airport. I had questions back then but I did not entertain
it. The only question in my mind that time was how is my father. My head became
full of wonders and worries when the car suddenly maneuvered to hospital. I do
not know what will I do and say while my brother was talking to me. I just saw
my mother crying upon seeing me. What she told me during that time? I still do
not know and remember up to this day.
I was too late because even if I arrive early in the
Philippines; I did not arrive on time for my father. My father was lying in bed
at ICU room and fighting for his life again. This time; there is minimal hope
of waking up again. I did not see it coming; I was not prepared at all. My mind
was totally shut down when doctor was explaining to me what happened to my
father. All I heard was Papa will be leaving soon. All I know is I prepared for
his upcoming birthday and not on his death. The same day of my flight was the
same day where he was brought to hospital. Although, I was early on my flight
but I was one day late for him.
I was fully devastated and broken of having seen him on the
same situation three years ago. Every time I am checking the time, it hits me
when hours become minutes and minutes become second up to his last & final
breath. The surroundings suddenly turned into black where I could not see
anyone and anything except him.
My Papa who used to cook us appetizing Filipino and
traditional foods and who used to tease me I am stout. He was not a perfect
father nor a perfect role model. He has his own share of flaws too but it is
ok, it is acceptable; he is human after all. My Papa who never holds any
grudges to anyone, a man of few words and very good in numbers. My Papa who was
a frustrated carpenter and electrician who often watches and criticizes other’s
work. My Papa who loves biking, gardening, playing chess with neighbors and
watching afternoon and evening TV series. My Papa who has his own style of
snoring, own style of get-up and grooming.
And most importantly, my Papa who loves my Mama and never
leaves her side no matter what happens; come what may as they say; be it in
Mandaluyong, Zambales & Cavite.
Since my Papa is very good in numbers; from 09/09/2016 turns
a sad reality on 06/09/2019 when death wins over his willingness to live
longer.
If there is any way I could trade another day or another
hour with my father, I would do. If there is any way I could turn back time, I
would do. The pain is intolerable, incomparable and indescribable.
Life throws
a lot of punches but I still managed to stand up and stand tall and fight again
but my Papa’s passing was not one of them.
It was very painful and difficult for me to see old couple
walking next to each other or an old man biking along the street as I could not
see my father strolls with my mother again or could not see my father takes his
bike with him again.
Your wallet where I was surprised to find it out on your bag
which I have taken as a remembrance from you signifies your life. Although I
was a bit scared, I still open your wallet which does not have money inside and
saw only IDs with your younger and recent photos. It only means that you were
born empty handed and leave the world empty handed with only fond memories left
behind with your loved ones. Those memories when you were younger, memories
when you had your own family and memories when you aged and became grandfather.
I know it is time to let go of my what if’s, maybe’s and I
wish’s as you are now with God’s loving arms; no more pains & sufferings.
But I still could not.
Please help me to recover and heal my heart with full of
regrets; and touch my soul with your caring hand & help me to understand
that life has to go on. Allow me to say sorry for what I have done to you and
for not coming home for the last two years which I promised that I will go for
vacation every year. Dry up my tears every time I will remember you or if
someone will share some stories regarding about you.
Please continue to watch over & protect us from any harm
especially Mama, Ethan & Elli. Please guide me for whatever decision I will
make and pinch me every time I will do something wrong. Allow me to say thank
you over and over again for being my Papa and for those good memories we have
shared one another.
Pa, fly high, you are now with our Creator peacefully. I
will definitely miss you, Pa. Until we see each other again.
I will not promise but I will try that even a broken pencil
can still write…
